Cjon Drabblefile
by Cjonwalrus
Summary: So because of my secret hate of... well, everybody; I've decided to inflict this on you.
1. Chapter 1

Drabblefile 1 How Cjon does a Self Insert

"Aaaaaaaauuuuuuggggghhhhhhh!" Lily Potter might have been in just a little bit of pain. Just a little bit.

"It's ok Lily-flower; I'm here, its ok."

"What the fuck good does that do me you DICKLESS BASTARD!" Lily yelled, breathing heavily.

Lily continued on in this vein for a while, James would have left to go hide in the waiting room if not for the death grip Lily had on his hand.

"... AND THEN I"M GONNA TURN YOU INTO A WOMAN, AND I'LL KNOCK YOUR SORRY ARSE UP AND SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT! WITH TWINS! AND AAAAAUUUGGGGGHHHHH!" and with a final push Harry James Potter was born into the world, and Lily reverted from the screeching psycho path she had been before("'I want to give birth naturally' my ass!"), back into the gentle, loving, intelligent woman he had fallen in love with.

"Oh my god he's beautiful, let me hold him, let me hold my son." James thought the wrinkly, squalling little bugger was as ugly as sin, but he wasn't about to contradict her. He had no intention of finding out what giving birth was like.

"Oh my god, look at him James, he looks like you, but he has my eyes. Hey there little

Harry, hey there little gu-UUUGGHHH FUCK."

James quickly turned over to the healer, "What's going on, what's wrong?"

"Apparently there's another one on the way"

"TWINS? Why didn't you detect this earlier?"

"WILL YOU TWO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET THIS THING OUT OF ME!"

Then she screamed as a powerful contraction swept over her. She arched her back and out from her loins sprang... a hand... an adult sized hand. Which immediately grabbed the end of the table and began to pull on it as if trying to escape it's womb prison.

"OH FUCK!"

Lily seemed to open up wider and wider as the hand was followed by an arm, the arm was followed by a an upper torso who brought along it's good friends: the other arm and the head. James and the healer watched in horror as an overweight, twenty something year old man pulled his way out of Lily (who had mercifully passed out) and then (without the Healer nearby to catch him) fell to the floor.

"Oomph" he said, then he looked up, "Hi, I'm Cjon!"

They just stared.

"What do I have something on my face? Eeeeewww! I'm covered in afterbirth!"


	2. Chapter 2

Orochimaru looked down the length of his tongue at the frustrating man he had caught.

'I swear this man has more surprises than that freaky transvestite with the mouth hands in Akatsuki. Thank god I got out of that sausage fest as soon as he started talking about Artful Banging or whatever. As if the nail polish wasn't enough...'

He pulled out his badass sword of badassness (It's his sword he can call it whatever the hell he wants) and was about to impale the annoyance when suddenly the man crossed his arms and shouted "Whoa, Dude time out! You gotta teach me how to do this awesome tongue jutsu."

Orochimaru blinked slowly, "You... you like it?"

The man, who is in actuality Naruto, self proclaimed most awesome person in the godamn fucking unverse, responded, "Like it, Dude this has got to be the coolest thing since the Falcon Punch! Can you imagine how much poon I could pull with this thing in my repetoire?"

Orochimaru blushed a little, "Well I'm not one to brag, but back in the day I was quite the ladies man."

"No. Way."

"Way. God knows how many illegitimate chilldren I left behind when I fled child supp... Went Missing-Nin."

*************************************  
At that moment the entire Rookie Nine, plus Team Youth felt a shudder go down their collective spines.  
*************************************

"And you know Tsunade?"

"You mean Miss Naughty Doctor of Ninja's Gone Wild, S-Class Edition?"

"The very same."

"Dude, tell me you hit that!"

"Like the Angry Fist of God"

"No. Way."

"Way, Bro. Who do you think gave her the nickname 'The Legendary Sucker'?"

"Dude, Bro-Fist"

They Bro-Fisted.

And so rather than killing Naruto they became Bros For Life, and Naruto was left with a scroll on how to do the long tongue thingy. Later he abstained from destroying Konoha "cuz they gots mad hot bitches up in there and I don't wanna be cock blocking my Brother."  



	3. Chapter 3

I wrote this in one of those character kill off threads a long time ago and now I'm passing the savings on to you!

Disclaimer: If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, I probably don't own it either.

Iruka sighed. It was that time of the year again: weapons training. There was always some kind of accident on this particular day, the kind of accidents that garaunteed a parent-teacher conferance. Definately not a pleasant thing to look forward to. Unfortunately it was part of the curriculum. Fucking Administration.

Throughout the day there were dozens of near misses. Choji had put his hand into a bag of shuriken and, out of pure instinct, had attempted to swallow a handful. Iruka had caught him in the nick of time. Shikamaru, the lazy dolt, had almost fallen asleep face first into a kunai. Ino, ever the talkative one, in one of her sweeping dramatic hand gestures during an engaging conversation with one of the nameless characters in the series, had accidently launched a kunai at Sakura's big forehead. At least, Iruka thought it was an accident. During target practice, the scion of the Uchiha clan had thrown the first knife perfectly on target, the problem there was that for some reason or another Kiba had gotten down on all fours and chased after it... just as all of Sasuke's fangirls, vying for the brooding boy's attention, flung their own blades at the board.

Iruka sighed again. He had singlehandedly managed to avert all of these dissasters. Damn Misuki, claiming sick leave. At least the day was almost over, the only thing left to do was explosive note training and...

"Iruka-Sensei heads up!" Came Naruto's loud, obnoxius voice, breaking his revery.

Iruka looked up just in time to see an explosive-tag equiped kunai heading his way. He sighed again. In the next life, he was soooo taking Anko up on her offer. His last words to the class before the incoming projectile detonated were: "Oh Fuck."

The class went home subdued, the trauma probably scarring them for life. Iruka had said one of the dreaded "No-NO" words, they would never be the same 


	4. Chapter 4

This is a Ranma 1/2 Naruto cross that Idea I came up with a while ago. Not much came from it but it amused me at the time. It's up for grabs, so if you want it you got it. The basic idea is that Naruto is an old hermit, having outlive all his friends thanks to a combination of sage chakra, demonic energies, and just plain good old Uzumaki longevity. That's not to say he hasn't aged, as seen below he's an old man now, it's just that he did it slower than everyone else. He's still better preserved than Cologne. At this point in time he's old enough that the Toads consider him the Elder Toad and every now and then they send him a young talented young toad to train in the ways of the toad sage.

Now Naruto's finally hit his twilight years, he knows that he only has a few decades (A very short time to a person who's seen the rise and fall of nations), and it's time that he's passed on his legacy, which includes the collective ninja arts of a long forgotten village known as Konoha, and his Toad contract. Luckily for him, the perect student just happens to fall out of the sky every other day thanks to a certain mallet happy tomboy.

* * *

The old man sat in his backyard cheerfully puffing on his pipe (a habit he had gotten from his grandfather figure as a child and had since passed on to many of his children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and beyond of whom he has had the misfortune of outliving). He stared out into the morning, and what a morning it was. The birds were singing, the sun was shining, the koi were jumping out of the pond and onto the perfectly cared for lawn as if in preparation of some kind of watery catechism; a beautiful morning.

He glanced at his watch and sighed, "Three... two... one"

"Aaaaaauuuuuuuuuggggghhhhhhhh hh!" Sploosh!

"Good morning Ranma-chan."

In the middle of the koi pond (of which the koi were flopping back into now that the threat was over) stood a short, busty red head ringing out her oversized shirt.

"Mornin' Uzumaki-Jiji," the girl now identified as Ranma responded rather perkily for someone who just fell from who knew how high up in the sky into a koi pond.

The old man raised a brow then gestured towards the seat on the opposite side of the lawn table and the already waiting cup of tea. With the familiarity of one who has done it a hundred times, she strode over to the table picked up the tea and poured it over her head, inexplicably becoming a male.

"I swear good tea is wasted on you ," the old man said good humoredly while pouring the boy another cup, while the boy chuckled. It was an old joke between them.

Absent-mindedly the old man reached down to pick up a pink toad (judging by the presence of it's tail it was a young one) that was tugging on the his trousers, obviously wanting up . It hopped over to the plate in the middle of the table and helped itself to a biscuit with a mumbled, "thanks Unca' Naruto".

"So tell me, what brings my second favorite student flying into my koi pond this morning?"

"I thought I was your only, and therefore favorite, student!"

"Nope, that title belongs to Gammy-chan here!" the elder claimed patting the pink toad on the head(who was looking rather smug).

Ranma looked incredulous, "beaten out by a talking mutant toad?"

"I am not a mutant! Unca' Naruto! Tell Ranma I'm not a mutant!"

"Look like a mutant to me short stuff, wouldn't be surprised if you make an appearance in the next Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie!"

"Ooohh, I wanna learn how to use nunchucks like Mickey, Unca' Naruto can you teach how to use nunchucks?!"

Naruto Uzumaki just sighed an tried to remember why he had bothered to take students again after centuries of peace and quiet. Oh yeah, peace and quiet is boring.

* * *

Well there you go, couldn't think of anything else at the time, so this just rotted in my computer.


End file.
